


Hopeless

by Auggusst



Series: The Soldier And The Scientist [31]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Avengers Endgame, Canon Divergent, Endgame, Grief, Grieving, M/M, Pining, Reconciliation, Sadness, but they work it out, first big talk after civil war, lots of emotional issues, my timeline is different, neither are kind, or at least started to, theyre sort of ridiculous actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-02 08:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19194877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Auggusst/pseuds/Auggusst
Summary: Seeing Tony again wasn't exactly how Steve envisioned it. It wasn't easy, it wasn't all roses and cream. He shouldn't have expected it to be. There was a lot to discuss, a lot to make up for, and it wouldn't be done without argument. But reconciliation was baby steps, and two days after the brunet's return from space, he took the first one.





	Hopeless

**Author's Note:**

> The lights-off idea was inspired by @gal4xyfalls on Tumblr. Wasn't exactly what they suggested, but it fell into place nicely. Thanks for jogging my inspiration!

Two nights after Tony’s return from space, Steve finally began to sort things out, to heal. When Tony arrived at the compound, weak and thinner than usual and in pain after over a week drifting through space with little proper care, Steve was just relieved to see him alive. He was in bad shape after The Decimation, and Tony’s return rekindled the hope in him that had been so spectacularly snuffed out.

In Steve’s mind, he had lost the people most important to him, those he had fought for. Bucky, his best friend, the man he destroyed his family over, was gone in an instant, with little more preparation than Steve’s name in a questioning tone. Gone, turned to dust, scattered to the wind like a dandelion. Steve didn’t understand at first. It all felt like some nightmare, like the ones he used to get, where everything was wrong and unnatural and bad. He began to understand when others disappeared. Sam, and Wanda, two more of his family, were gone too.

As he sat in the dirt, the air filling with dust, Steve realized that he was a failure. His family was broken, and now half of it was gone. He had held out hope for Tony, for a day or so, but even that hope began to diminish over time. When the magnitude of their loss set in, when he looked around at the rapidly disintegrating stability in the world and the grief that overwhelmed the population, he was ashamed to admit that he had lost hope entirely. He felt nothing but remorse and pain. His bones ached with it, with the thought that if only things had gone differently, if only they had prepared better, they would have won. If only he and Tony had reconciled. Steve thought he didn’t even have that chance now. He was sure of it, and that hurt most of all. Tony was gone, must have been dead, because Steve knew he would never let Thanos get away with the stones. He couldn’t imagine for sure what had happened. Steve knew though that Tony would defend the earth until his dying breath, and, apparently, had.

He tried not to think about it. He tried not to think about the void he felt, big and consuming, and the sense of hopelessness filling his bones. The team went home after two days in Wakanda taking inventory and watching the reports flow in. The media, or what was left of it, had to be alerted. The public had a right to know why their lives had fallen apart. He gave a speech, with Natasha at his side. She summoned the courage to answer questions when he could not. Carol appeared that afternoon, returning as a response to the pager they found at Fury’s last known location. She didn’t know for sure what had happened, until the team explained. She, unfortunately, confirmed that The Decimation wasn’t an isolated event. She was on another planet when it happened. She had also lost family on Earth— a partner and a daughter. Steve’s guilt grew by the day.

They did their best to help people. Pepper had survived, which was a blessing, because she immediately offered the resources at her disposal. Within days, shelters were made for those underage who had lost their parents and guardians. Pet centers were funded as well. Health care was free for the time being, and care packages were assembled and distributed by Stark Industries and a few other surprisingly helpful companies. Steve liked helping people. It alleviated some of the crushing guilt he felt. It didn’t bring him happiness though. In fact, he was sure of the opposite, when while visiting one shelter he saw a little girl crying in her brother’s arms, hands clutching a photograph. According to the shelter supervisor, the two were the only survivors out of a family of 8, and had survived a plane crash.

Days were tolerable. Nights were unbearable. Being back at the compound didn’t help either. 6 days after The Decimation, he found himself headed to Tony’s room. He had stayed out of it thus far. If Tony really was gone, Steve thought the best thing to do would be to move on. Of course that was impossible, stalking around the compound that he had built, the home he had made for his friends. The absence of Tony was noticeable everywhere. The blond was sure he was never more miserable.

He slept in Tony’s room thereafter. It used to be his room too. Or at least, they shared it more often than not. Little had changed in the time he was gone. It was in the same orderly chaos Tony usually kept it in— a few clothes spread here and there, some pens and pencils and a drafting pad on the nightstand alongside his favorite watch. There were also some empty alcohol bottles, which were less than encouraging, but Steve tried to ignore them. He stood like a stranger in the center of the room for a while. Maybe he was considered a stranger now. After all, it had been two years, and he more or less forfeited the right to call the room his. He had done what was necessary, to keep Bucky safe, and was glad he had, but no small part of his heart wished things had gone differently. He wanted what he had before, he wanted Tony.

The sheets smelled like him. Steve ran shaky hands over the smooth surface, his breathing coming out in choked little puffs instead of the measured pace it usually kept. He wasn’t sure what gave him the courage to come here finally. He had been sleeping on the couch thus far, or at least attempting to. His own room was too empty, too unfamiliar. He rarely got more than four hours of sleep. He hadn’t slept that well these past few years. Tony had always made sleeping easier for him. The faint scent that clung to his bed would be all Steve would have, he thought, for the rest of his life. It hurt. His chest tightened up when he pulled back the blanket and found one of his old hoodies there, tucked away between the pillows. Tony had thought of him, had missed him. Guilt washed over the blond. Tony was gone now, and Steve wasn’t there to help him. He didn’t deliver on his promise. He wished he had. He wished he had been there, at Tony’s side, where he was supposed to be. If Steve had done his job right, they wouldn’t have lost. Until now, he had held it together for the others. He didn’t want them to see just how broken he was, how bad his thoughts really were. But here, alone, in the room he considered home, it was tough to keep the pieces together. It had been 6 days until he allowed himself to cry, and he did, for a long time, tucked away beneath the warm sheets and feeling utterly alone.

But he wasn’t alone forever. The indication that Tony had survived came by a recorded message through the Stark Secure Server, 12 days after they lost. Pepper saw it first. After all, she had immediate access to the server, and always had. She watched the recording alone at first, and called up Steve. He needed to hear it, and would know what to do with it.

He sat alone with Pepper in the meeting room and watched the feed. It was a little glitchy, most likely a combination of the damage sustained by the suit and the ridiculously long distance, but it was enough. Tony didn’t look good. His face was gaunt and his eyes were haunted. His shoulders were slumped in a familiar sign of defeat, and the tone of his voice was less than comforting. But, he was alive, and that’s what mattered to Steve.

Tony apologized to Pepper for ruining their day out, and made a rather morose joke about her getting all of his things when he croaked. He explained that he’d been injured, though didn’t give any details about the battle, or Thanos. He was out there somewhere in space with a woman named Nebula, and they had run out of fuel, and worse, ran out of rations three days ago. He assured her not to be worried, and that it was better he die out in space, because otherwise Rhodey would beat his corpse until he came back to life, and that was obviously more unpleasant than drifting to sleep surrounded by the stars. Neither of the two spectators were comforted by his drawling. The small smile the brunet had forced onto his face disappeared all too easily, and he sat forward.

“It’s…looking like this is it,” the projection admitted.

Beside Steve, Pepper wiped a tear off her cheek. The blond’s throat tightened as he looked into dark eyes.

Tony hesitated, the silence stretching into almost twenty seconds. He gazed at the floor, and his mouth twitched in a familiar way. Steve knew he was wrestling with saying something or keeping his mouth shut. He did say something though, and it was not what the soldier wanted to hear.

“If… if Steve’s out there, just…” He exhaled, rubbed his tired eyes. If the feed was clearer, Steve would have seen the tears gathering at their edges. They looked directly into the camera, holding so much emotion that Steve was almost crushed under their weight.

“I’m sorry. You deserved better. All of you did. I’m sorry I couldn’t give it to you. I… I did the best—I did the best I could, you know?”

Steve didn’t accept that. He didn’t accept Tony’s resignation to die. He had lost so many already. He wasn’t going to lose the brunet too. Tony was still alive, was out there somewhere, waiting to be rescued. For the first time since The Decimation, Steve found resolve. He found determination. He wouldn’t fail Tony again. The message was promptly shared with the team, and Carol and Rocket found the solution to their problem. Rocket was able to track the recording’s signal and locate the ship Tony was stuck on within a five mile search radius, and Carol didn’t need much convincing to go looking.

The awe and relief he felt watching her carefully drop an entire spaceship on the front lawn was overshadowed by panic, as he realized there was a lot to catch up on, and a lot to discuss. Seeing Tony in a recording was safe, easy. He was able to forget the way they parted, and just drink in his presence, even if he wasn’t at his best. But now, he was going to see Tony for real. That filled him with some type of excitement, and a sense of danger. He had waited with baited breath as the doors opened and a familiar figure stepped down the ramp.

Steve couldn’t help himself from running to the ship and wrapping his arm around the scientist for stability. It was as if his brain had shut down, and he was acting only on instinct. He stiffened for a moment, feeling eyes on him. He was afraid of what Tony might say or do, but the brunet’s hazy eyes settled on him, and a breath of relief left his chest, and he allowed Steve to support him without fuss. Tony’s health was the priority. Anything Steve wanted to discuss would have to wait, and it did. Their conversation was short, almost clinical, a little awkward. The ease they had before all of this was gone, and it made Steve feel cold.

He stepped aside when Rhodey and Pepper sat by Tony’s recovery bed. He wanted the brunet all to himself. He wanted to study him, to memorize each inch of his body like he had in the past, to assure himself that something was still there between them, that what they had could be recovered. He wanted to sit down and talk, to discuss their problems, to pour out all of his pain and apologize for the pain he had caused in return. It would have to wait. Tony was too weak to hold a conversation, and needed rest.

The next morning at breakfast, his hopes of easing into an apology were shattered. Someone had insisted on debriefing Tony, and consequently, put Steve in an interrogative position. He made the mistake of underestimating the brunet’s pain, and should have honestly waited longer before approaching the subject, but Tony was less than happy to talk about what happened on Titan, and was certainly less than happy with Steve at the moment. While Steve was more or less content with Tony’s return and held no malice, only some annoyance and regret, the scientist was still, understandably, bitter about what had happened, and that bitterness was only intensified by his grief. That much was clear as he gave a speech laced with venom, standing on shaky legs and lashing out inches away.

Steve stopped himself from arguing Tony’s points. There was no point in defending himself right now. It would only make things worse. Tony quite obviously needed to get all of this out of his system, Steve decided. He tried to convince himself Tony’s words were justified. They tore him apart, made his blood boil and a lump form in his throat. It took effort to remain silent, staring into brown eyes filled with pain and anger. They were familiar, but hardened somehow, and Steve felt lonelier than ever. Tony looked at him with the same disdain he did in Siberia, and Steve was at a loss for words. The critical hit came when the brunet shoved his now useless arc reactor into Steve’s hands and collapsed on the floor, exhausted by his own emotional outburst.

It didn’t take much to convince Steve to go after Thanos. He figured killing that bastard and setting the world right again would lessen Tony’s pain, and in turn, pave the way for Steve to fix them. But life was never kind, and so, Steve returned to the compound with nothing but terrible news.

It was late, when he walked into Tony’s space to explain what happened. He was still in the medical bay, as opposed to his bedroom, and Steve was thankful, because he would most likely have to find somewhere else to sleep once Tony returned there. He couldn’t imagine the brunet being keen on the idea of sharing a room, after all that had happened, and certainly not after what Steve was about to tell him. But Steve was as a fan of ripping the Band-aid off, so to speak, after his previous methods of postponing and coddling backfired spectacularly and ruined his relationship.

Tony was staring out across the dark lawn through his window when Steve entered. He was distant. He didn’t even notice that Steve had entered, or if he did, gave no response. Steve fumbled with the loops on his belt, standing in the doorway unsure of how to proceed. After a few moments of just watching Tony, he worked up the courage to speak.

“Tony,” he began, voice at a lower volume than he wanted it to be.

The brunet turned from the window slowly, eyes fixing on Steve. For once in his life, his expression was unreadable. “Yeah?” he asked.

Steve hesitated, and exhaled softly. “We…we couldn’t fix it.”

Tony stared at him for a while, tight lipped and unresponsive. Finally, he nodded, and dropped his gaze to the hands in his lap. “I expected as much,” he muttered.

The fact that Tony didn’t even believe they would fix it irked Steve a little, but he didn’t mention it. Instead, he chewed his lip for a moment, and took a step forward. “I’m sorry.”

Tony shrugged, eyes flickering to Steve’s form and then away as he approached. “Not your fault,” he offered. As far as Tony was concerned, Thanos seemed unbeatable. But Steve’s apology was meant for more than his failure today. It was meant for a lot of failures, so many that he had lost count.

The blond stopped a few feet away from Tony’s bed. He resisted the urge to reach out, to touch Tony like he had so many times before. This wasn’t his Tony anymore. But maybe he could be. “No,” Steve clarified. “I’m _sorry_. For…for what happened. Between us.”

Tony swallowed hard, and met his eyes, brows knit. It took only that for him to get heated. “For what happened? You mean the part where you lied to me? Or the part where you fought us at every turn when we were just trying to stick together? Or the part after that where you _left me_ , broken hearted, in Sibera? Or the two years after that, after you took most of the team and paraded around the world while _I_ was stuck here, cleaning up your messes?” His voice was iron, piercing hot, and it struck Steve square in the chest.

“You know I never meant for any of that to happen,” Steve replied, frowning in turn at his reluctance to even attempt to move on. Wasn’t two years long enough, living in pain? Couldn’t they move forward? “I never wanted to hurt you. I did what I had to for Bucky, to give him the chance to live that he never got.”

“And how did that work out for you?” Tony replied, unsympathetically. “I don’t see him here.”

Steve had forgotten how easy it was for Tony to make him snap, in the two years he spent his time pining. He had hoped they could talk without yelling, but that wasn’t their way, and hadn’t been for a long time. He felt stupid, assuming that Tony would be understanding enough to move forward without a big fuss. And now, Tony had crossed the line, had poured salt into a very deep wound.

Steve’s fists tightened until his knuckles turned white, and he leaned forward, stance defensive. “And what about you? I texted you, at least a thousand times, and you never answered. You _never answered_! A lot of this is my fault, but it’s your fault too! You never reached out, never considered fixing it. If this shit hadn’t happened, would you even have considered calling me at all?”

“I don’t know!” the brunet yelled back, sitting up. “I just—I couldn’t! You are such an ass! If you hadn’t left in the first place, if you had just _listened_ to me, to the rest of us, things would have been okay! But no, you’re so fucking stubborn! You always think you’re right. I can’t believe I’m the one with a reputation for a massive ego. It’s you!”

“I did what had to be done! The Accords were inherently flawed. I know you think you’re the smartest person alive, but if that were true, you would have seen what they would have done to us! What they _have_ done to us! I tried to warn you.”

Tony didn’t like that at all. He jerked up, fists clenching around his sheets. His eyes were dark, glaring at his former partner. “I warned _you._ I warned all of you! None of you ever wanted to listen to me, from the start. Look where we are now! Billions are dead because of your mistakes. Don’t you dare pin this on me. You don’t _get_ to say anything about me, after what you did. You— you’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I can’t even look at you anymore, turn the fucking lights off, FRIDAY.”

Steve stood dumbfounded as the room grew dark. Tony literally just turned the lights off in the middle of an argument. Who does that?!

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” he said before he could help himself.

“Nothing! Everything! I don’t know. Shut up!” came the reply.

Steve brushed his hands over his face in disbelief. He was ridiculous. Both of them were. “Fine. I’ll leave,” he announced, turning to walk out of the room. He tripped over the guest chair in his haste, but didn’t bother pushing it out of the way. He wasn’t sure he could control his strength right now, as he saw red. He could see this was a lost cause, and didn’t want to waste his breath anymore. Maybe he would try again later. Right now he was just pissed off, and felt worse because of it, because this was not how he wanted things to be. He had hoped things would be easier, in the end. None of his scenarios included quite this situation.

“No!” Tony said behind him.

Steve could hear the sheets shifting as if he were about to get up. He turned and quirked a brow, though Tony wouldn’t have been able to see it. “What do you mean ‘no’?” he asked, annoyed. Tony could never make his mind up easily when it counted. If he was planning on yelling more, why the hell should Steve stay? But sometimes ‘go’ meant ‘stay,’ and with Tony it meant that more often than not. Why was he so contradictory?

“I mean ‘no.’ I said ‘shut up,’ not ‘leave,’” the scientist replied, as if that cleared everything right up.

“I don’t catch your drift,” the soldier said. Was Tony always this cryptic? Maybe he had fallen out of practice with reading his signs. Steve didn’t leave though. Instead, he stood awkwardly, clenching and unclenching his fists, figuring out what to say. His jaw was tight with irritation, though not nearly as overwhelming as it had been a few moments ago.

When Tony spoke again, his voice was no longer raised. “You’re not the worst thing that’s ever happened to me,” he began. “I always thought you were the best.”

Steve wasn’t sure how to reply to that. He could feel shame seeping into his bones as the brunet continued, his anger replaced with pain.

“I always thought, ‘God how lucky am I?’ whenever you smiled at me or told me you loved me. Whenever you held me, I felt like the shit in my life didn’t matter, like I was worth more than the things people said about me or the things I did in the past. I thought I never deserved someone as good as you. I thought you’d never hurt me.” His voice wavered, and Steve suspected he was crying.

The blond’s throat tightened at that. “Tony…” he said, though it was little more than a whisper.

“You hurt me, Steve. You hurt me so bad, that I don’t know if I’ll ever feel right again. I never texted you, or called, because I was scared. I thought seeing you would make it all worse, would put me right back into the moment. I mean…fuck. I know I made a lot of mistakes. It wasn’t all your fault, but… I—I can’t even begin to explain what it did to me.”

“Tony, you weren’t the only one suffering. I missed you _every day._ Even when the thought of you pissed me off, or the things you said kept coming to mind. I never stopped needing you either, and you didn’t give me the chance to fix it. Do you know how much that hurt? Sending message after message, and getting nothing in return?” If the lights were on, he would’ve seen Tony flinch. It was a blessing in disguise that he had turned them off. It made it easier to speak.

“I never wanted it to happen like that, any of it. I never wanted to leave you. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

“But you did it, Steve. You did it.”

“I did. Maybe it was wrong, maybe it wasn’t worth it. I don’t know. All I know is…I want the chance to fix it. I want the chance to make it better,” the blond replied, voice strained.

Tony was silent for a moment, and sighed audibly. “Should we? Should this even be fixed?” he asked, exhaustion in his tone.

That hurt Steve even more. “You…you don’t want to?” he inquired. He hadn’t considered that Tony might want nothing to do with him ever again. It was the thought of reconciliation down the road that had kept Steve focused the last two years. Tony’s forgiveness, and his familiar touch, was what Steve wanted, what he craved. The thought that it might not be granted was terrifying. Maybe it was well deserved. Maybe he had assumed too much.

“I-I… I want to… I’m just…” Tony didn’t know how to finish it.

It was clear he would need time. Steve was willing to give it to him. It was the least he could do. He didn’t expect this all to be worked out in one night. He knew it would take a long time. He stepped forward, moved closer to the bed. “We can get through this. We can make things better. I promise.” His eyes had adjusted enough now to see the outline of Tony’s form cutting through the dark.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Steve,” Tony replied with a shake of his head. “Not again.”

“I promise,” he repeated. He intended to keep that promise. Maybe they would never be what they were, but there was something between them worth saving. It was something Steve needed, and he knew Tony needed it too. He couldn’t fix the universe right now. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to, but he could fix this. He belonged at Tony’s side, should have been there long ago. Being together, having the chance to, was more than he was hoping for these last few days. Maybe things could improve. Maybe he could find happiness again. He had to try.

Tony was silent for a moment, and then made his decision. “Despite my better judgment, I trust you,” he admitted, and a twinge of warmth spread through Steve’s chest.

“I know it won’t be easy,” the soldier said. “But I want you to know that I never stopped caring about you. Not for a second.”

“…Me neither. Never,” Tony agreed.

That was enough to satisfy Steve for now. He didn’t want to push Tony further. There would be time for more discussion later. _Baby steps_ , he told himself. He swallowed, and straightened. “I’ll….I’ll see you at breakfast, then?”

“Yeah,” the brunet confirmed. “I should… I should get some sleep. I know you all eat at ungodly hours.”

“We ate at 10 today,” the blond retorted.

“Like I said. Ungodly hours.”

Steve managed to smile a little bit. Tony was never a morning person. At least that hadn’t changed, when a lot clearly had. Steve was ready to go to bed, but there was something else he should mention. Honesty was the best policy, and he planned on being honest moving forward. It wouldn’t be easier, but their relationship was already stripped to the foundations. There was nothing left now but to build it up stronger.

“I’ve…I’ve been sleeping in your bed,” the blond admitted. He waited with baited breath for an outburst, to have the privilege revoked. He waited for Tony to say that he had invaded his privacy, that he didn’t deserve to be anywhere near his space. He waited for another emotional blow, cutting deep enough to leave scars. He didn’t receive one though. Instead, Tony replied softly, curiosity in his tone.

“Why?”

Steve could feel his cheeks heat up. Maybe he had shot himself in the foot bringing it up. He was embarrassed now, and shrugged to himself in the dark. “I just… it smelled like you, I guess. I missed you. I’ll—I’ll stop though. It’s your room.”

“It’s fine,” Tony replied, to his surprise. “You…keep it up, if it helps.” Steve wished the lights were on now, so he could see Tony’s expression. His voice was soft, familiar, and a big improvement from his previous hurtful tone.

“Right,” Steve exhaled. There was relief in his tone, but Tony thankfully made no comment on it. "I’ll leave you to it. Goodnight, Tony.” The blond said before moving to the door.

“Night,” the brunet replied.

Part of Steve wanted to stay. He wanted to move closer. He wanted Tony to ask him to crawl into bed with him, like he had in the past. He wanted to be past all of this, to feel like everything was alright again. Maybe it would be, eventually. He wasn’t sure.

Steve was almost through the doorway when Tony added, “And for the record? I missed you too.”

Suddenly Steve didn’t feel so hopeless anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this wasn't too bad! It's tough writing from more of Steve's POV. Let me know what you think. Also Tony turning the lights off?! Lmao! I stan one (1) dramatic bitch.


End file.
